Happiness in Magazines

As I’m going to be moving soon I’ve decided to have a cull of the 300+ guitar magazines sitting on my bookcase at any one time. This has been most interesting as I’ve trawled through the lot of them deciding what to keep and what to send for recycling. I’ve unearthed some interesting facts I thought I’d share.

1: Tom Morello only has one pose for magazine covers…..it’s true!!! He’s always staring at you, pointing his fingers manically toward you as though he’s bursting out of the Magazine like some sort of twisted General Kitchener, whether its on the cover of Guitarist, Total Guitar, Guitar World or GuitarPlayer he’s always giving this self conscious pose and it upsets me, he’s been to Harvard for fucks sake, don’t they teach you how to pose for magazine covers here, doesn’t he think we’ll notice…

2: Gary Moore: Ha ha poor sod, where there was once only brilliance……now….. he’s like the senile aunt of the guitar always putting his big foot in his mouth….one minute he’s saying he’s back to Rock, then the next minute he’s slagging Rock off and saying how he’s a proper bluesman, even though back in the 60′s he bought a Gibson Les Paul off a person who at the time was starting to display signs of a mental illness and then made £399,781.00 of profit from selling said guitar 30 years later. Then he threatened to sue the bloke who bought it off him….. Oh how my heart bleeds for you Gary! Your as much a bluesman as I am a Zen Buddhist in drag.

In last months Guitarist mag Gary said that someone his age shouldn’t be making Rock music anymore. Funnily enough in that same issue the album of the month was ‘Snakes & Arrows’ by Rush featuring the Rock guitar work of a certain 54 year old Alex Lifeson. Good old Alex just keeps on going and his credibility and influence seems to grow more each year, unlike a certain Mr Moore. I do wonder what Alex Lifeson, Dave Gilmour, Steve Lukather, Neil Schon, Michael Schenker, John Sykes, Edward Van Halen and the other members of perhaps the greatest generation of Rock guitarists make of such fucking stupid statements. Do they care??

3: Thin Lizzy, or whats left of them. It seems if Guitarist magazine is an article short, they will always always wheel out Scott Gorham…..the first 3 or 4 times this was interesting…..now it is fucking boring…. I know about Phil, the drinking, the fighting, the smack habits….how Scott stopped playing his Les Paul in the 80′s and now usues a Strat and how his Marshalls are modified by a guy in Chandlers…..I’ve read the same interview in different magazines so often in the last decade…..its commited to my memory forever…..this same rule applies to Lambchop and Brian May. Has anyone in future publishing got more than 10 numbers in their phonebook?

4: Gibson guitar reviews – Its amazing how the reviews text will always question the general cosmetic fit and finish of every guitar reviewed……yet they will always get high amounts of stars saying that even though the binding is falling off the neck and its 3 grand, it really is a bargain!!!! Honest Guv….

5: Oasis transcriptions……..why would anyone need any help learning such simplistic and unadventurous material, unless they were…..well…..thick. Can’t Guitarist Mag do a “special needs” edition one month to placate these poor desperate souls and give proper transcriptions the rest of the year?

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